We’re Finally Where We Will Stay

We moved. We moved two full days after returning from my brother’s funeral. We’re here now and trying very hard to achieve some sense of normal. Thanks to Ian’s parents we have the physical surroundings under control. We are, on the surface, settled. We are settled and will only get more so as this will be our last move for many, many years. Many, many years.

I have had so much to write about. My brother’s death. The funeral. The move. The kids. My in-laws. My ever changing mood. But I just have been frozen. I watch as good news floats past me and I witness bad news just bounce off me. I am numb. I am not getting much accomplished, but I am moving through space and getting the very minimum done. The very minimum. It is times like this when my brain tells me that this will not last long, this depression, but it is my heart that panics. Will I ever feel again? Will I have enough energy to cry? Will I feel the laughter swell up from the bottom of my soul? When I look at my children with love in my eyes and longing in my soul will I feel that? Will I know it is for real?

Soon, I will. Time will get me past much of this and the support and love of my husband, family and friends. My children, most of all, will bring me back to them. They require all of me, not just pieces, and they will demand that all of mama return. All of mama. And I will come back to watch them grow and change. To learn to ride a bike. To swim and jump into my arms with delight. To draw a silly face on the sidewalk. To talk to me about life, bugs, laundry and lemonade.

We moved. We are always moving and changing but we are staying here at this house, our new home, the place where memories and traditions will spring forth and sustain us. Here. In Madison, on this street in this house. We are finally home.