Up on a shelf …

It used to be that referring to something  as “up on a shelf” meant someone I love was checking out another woman’s chest.  These days it aptly refers to my emotional state.  I can see my emotions but they are high enough that I just can’t quite seem to reach them.  I have gone from sheer joy to feeling totally desperate to just moving along ‘normally’ enough in the past three months that I may be qualified to have my own soap opera.  Reality TV show would be, well, too real for what I have been experiencing.  Or so it seems.

Sheer Joy:

• The Inauguration was sheer joy.   A week to bask in the glory of all that is Obama.  To fully embrace what I hope to be the golden age of the Democratic Party.  To watch Bush fly off in the helicopter made me shed buckets of tears of joy.  I cried so much that week that Alban walked out on me at one point mutter, “Oh for dod’s sake!”
• The Inaugural Ball.  Outstanding.  I could not have done it without the partnership of our dear friends, the Hunters.  We DID have a fantastic time.  On January 24th we had over 80 people in our home to CELEBRATE and what a celebration it turned out to be.  I rode a high that night that will be difficult to match or even come close to for a long, long time.
• I got offered a job.  It was quite flattering for me to interview and be offered a position so quickly.  I am ready to go back to work.  I am ready to have something of my own that is not directly related to a family member’s care.  I am ready to dust off the cobwebs in the space once reserved for active brain use and move along.
• Every other Friday I meet with a group of three 3rd Grade girls to discuss The Secret Garden.  Sitting and chatting about literary concepts such as pastoral fiction, omniscient voice, and the value of positive thinking has lit me on fire.  I love these girls, I love the book and I find myself wondering why I didn’t become a middle school English teacher. 
• There have been too many moments of joy in my life with my kids lately to describe.  I feel a post of Moments of Sheer Parenting Joy coming along shortly.  You will just have to wait.  It could be coupled with Sheer Parenting Hell.

Sheer Madness:

• On the morning of January 23rd I received a call from my sister informing me that the tumors found at the base of her tongue, tonsils and in her lymph-node were cancerous.  I felt like the world had shifted.  It was a sensation that was oddly familiar and oh-so-scary.  “Here we go, ” I thought as I told her that this time it was going to be fine.  That this time there would be no complications and that this time we would all be celebrating a hellish but successful run at cancer treatment a few months from now.  I spent much of Friday and Saturday morning on the phone with my very extensive line of relatives.  I put on my game-day face, only told Julie co-host of the Inaugural Ball about the situation, and got ready to have one of the best nights of my life.  The next morning I got in a car a drove to MN to be with my sister.
• On January 25th as I drove to MN to be with my mom and my sister my 16-year-old neice moved back to New Hampshire leaving another sister “alone” here in Madison.  It has been hard for me to watch the challenging changes my Madison Sister is going through and to accept the decision my niece made to move back home.  Divorce is never easy and neither is high school and in my opinion one should never come with the other.  On top of that a move 1/2 way across the country needs to be omitted from life’s possibilities when dealing with the other two.  I understand both why my niece left and how difficult life has been for my Madison Sister.  My heart goes out to both of them.
• On February 21st I sat on my sister’s bed listening to her Chemo Oncologist tell her that the lump in her breast was cancer.  Rare?  Unheard of.  “If this is estrogen sensitive breast cancer we will give you drugs to put you in menopause, treat your head and neck cancer, and then you will have a mastectomy and chemo for your breast cancer.  This will be a mean chunk of time we will take from you but you need to remember that you have two treatable and curable cancers.”  Treatable and curable.  Two cancers.  Treatable and curable.  Hard to say.  Hard to accept.
• On February 23rd we found out that the breast cancer is estrogen sensitive.  We all felt like we should go out and celebrate.  No need to post-pone the treatment for her head and neck cancer and they could stop the growth of the breast cancer.  One small victory.
• On February 24th I sat with my sister-in-law as my sister received her first radiation and chemo treatment.  I saw the pain wash over my sister-in-law as she explained to the nurse that 20 months ago her husband died of colon cancer.  I saw the pain and panic enter into my sister’s eyes.  I felt the need to just melt into the chair and never return.”This is just not happening,”  I thought.  But our journey has begun and as they say, “When you find yourself in Hell, KEEP GOING!”  So we are moving forward, and we are supporting, loving, laughing, and living for the moment. 

Standard Living:

• Most days I can conjure up a sense of having a ‘normal’ day.  But I would be lying if I said it happens often.  Like during the three years of treatment my brother Linn went through for colon cancer, moments go by when I do not think of my sister, but a day?  Never.  It pulls me in different directions but always brings me to what is most important.  And, I have happily discovered, it has nothing to do with laundry.
• My sister and I talk almost every day.  She has had a fantastic two weeks after a rough first week start to her treatment plan.  She is strong, vibrant, hopeful and realistic.  She is my sister, after all.  And we hope to visit her soon.
• I postponed my re-entry into the traditional work force and I have been enjoying my time here at home more than ever.  I realize that what I do as a ’stay-at-home’ is valuable but I also realize that I have quite a sweet ‘job’.  It has given me a new appreciation for what I do and a new-found-again ability to manage my time wisely.
• I have started adding formal yoga to my workout regimen.  I am excited to take my mat into a class once again.  I have also reinstated a daily-ish meditatioin and I signed up for a weekend retreat with Sharon Salzberg.  When presented with a very flexible work schedule, make the most of it!

Joyful, challenging or mundane, life really does just keep going whether or not you feel tall enough to reach the shelf …